Praying by Accident

            Lately, I’ve struggled with my prayers. I want to say a meaningful prayer from the heart with words so special that they leave my lips and go straight up to God. Instead, I find myself murmuring dry prayers with words tirelessly repeated from past prayers. I feel like they leave my lips and disappear into thin air before going anywhere. Of course, I know God listens anyways, but at times I wish I could say a prayer worth hearing.

            My mom always told me the best model for praying was the Lord’s Prayer. She said if I didn’t know what to say, to just follow it, but in my own words. Praise the Lord, ask for what I need, ask for forgiveness, thank Him for what I have and end with a beautiful Amen. At first, this helped me greatly when I didn’t know what to say and it had much more meaning for me.  

            Eventually, though, it was almost like I had come up with my own Lord’s Prayer. It was no longer unique, but felt memorized and rehearsed. Once I noticed this, I’d try to change it, but then the altered version became the new memorized and rehearsed version.

This cycle went on for a while until I gave up and just stuck with the latest version, praying the same prayer over and over until it felt like I was reading off of flash cards. The prayer became so engrained in my mind that my mind wandered while I prayed. I’d say my lines while, separately, worrying about an upcoming test.

New situations occurred, causing me worry and stress or thankfulness and joy, but I’d hesitate to put them into my practiced prayer, as if that messed up my countless rehearsals. Afterwards, though, I’d feel that my prayer was empty, lacking my emotions over these new situations. What was I doing wrong?

Soon enough, something happened. I found myself driving my car, walking to class, taking a break from studying, and all the while talking, just plain old talking, to God.

God, please help me get there safely in this thunderstorm because I’m so scared.

God, thank you so much for this gorgeous day. I really need it.

God, I’m so worried and I can’t stand it and I just don’t know what to do.

At first, I didn’t see this as anything important. I was just talking, no big deal. I’ve realized something, though. These little snippets I came up with on the spot were prayers full of more emotion and meaning than my dry, lengthy memorized prayer ever did. I was praying by accident, but somehow it worked.

Perhaps these prayers aren’t well manicured and polished, but it’s taken me a while to realize that my prayers don’t need to be. I just want to talk to God, my best friend, my counselor, my parent, my listener. Whatever comes out of my mouth that way will be like beautiful balloons, filled with and colored by my emotions, carrying my words up to God.

Is that wrong? I don’t know. All that I know is that I’ll never stop talking.