Drunk Off Jesus

            I never used to understand the big hype around “Thirsty Thursday.” Every Thursday, people go out and party, get drunk, and then regret it Friday morning. What was the point? Why would someone put him or herself through that?

            Then I understood. “It’s a hard knock life,” as Annie would say. Life is difficult; it is stressful and painful. It’s a searing cut in my skin that never fully heals no matter how much medicine I put on it. If there were any way to relieve the pain, I would take the chance.

            Isn’t that the promise alcohol makes?

             Now the example I’m about to give didn’t happen today or even this year. It happened when I was going through a much more difficult time than I have been lately. I just want to make that clear.

            So one day, a couple of years ago, I was at a relatively low moment in my life. As a result, I decided to listen to those whispered promises. I’m not proud of it, but I got drunk. Once. Never again since then, and I don’t plan on it ever again either, even after I’m happily past twenty-one and here’s why.

Nothing changed.

            After I felt as nauseous as if I was on a heaving boat, after I felt so dizzy I couldn’t distinguish between the floor and the ceiling, and after I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, nothing changed. 

            After I woke up the next morning with a pulsating headache, after I went to church feeling as if I had spent the night substituting for somebody’s punching bag, and after I lied to my family and won the award for best patient performance, absolutely nothing changed.

            My problems were still there when I got off the boat, when I could tell where the floor and ceiling were, and when I was awake. My problems were still there when the headache crawled back home, when I resigned from my punching bag position, and when I abandoned my acting career. Alcohol didn’t keep its promise; instead, it broke my heart even further than I thought it could break.

            This all brings me to today. My day was nowhere near as bad as the day I got drunk, but it wasn’t a good day either. Stress has been my companion lately, no matter how many times I try to say goodbye. Tonight, though, while many people were into “Thirsty Thursday,” I decided to go to my youth group, which I hadn’t gone to for a while.

            Stress tried to accompany me in, but I was able to trade it for someone else: Jesus. He didn’t lie to me like alcohol did. He didn’t say my problems were going to be gone in an instance. He didn’t even say the pain was going to subside anytime soon. What He did promise was that He would be with me as I went through it all. He reminded me that He loves me and that no matter what I’m going through, He always would.

            After I left, my problems were still there, just like when I drank, but there was one difference: the problems didn’t bother me as much. I felt worse about my problems when I drank because I wasn’t doing anything to better the situation. However, spending some time with God, letting go of my stress, rejuvenating my strength, that was doing something about my problems. Even if it was just giving me a little sense of hope, going to youth group did so much more for me than drinking would have.

            Now, I’m not saying drinking in general is bad. I never think something in its whole is bad, I think it’s when someone loses control with a substance that it can be harmful. For example, using the Internet isn’t a bad thing, but using it to look up harmful things, looking at it every possible minute until an addiction is formed, that’s bad. So, I don’t think a sip of wine at a wedding is a big deal. Getting drunk at a wedding, now that’s worth worrying about. Drinking for the wrong reasons can be bad as well, like in my case.

            Here’s my new solution for myself, though, and I offer it as advice. If I ever do want to just forget about everything, relax, and give into something completely, I know just what to do.

            I’ll get drunk off Jesus. 

Blessings, Take off Your Disguise

            One of my favorite Christian songs is “Blessings” by Laura Story. I think the chorus pretty much sums up what the song is about. Listen to it here.

            The song is about how sometimes the most difficult parts of our lives might really just be God’s blessings in disguise. Like the chorus says, the raindrops, tears, sleepless nights, and trials might really be blessings in disguise and that’s why we can’t see them.

             I want to take that one step further.

I think any blessing in general can seem like it’s in disguise if I’m going through a tough time. If I’m having a good day, for example, I’ll be more aware of all of the good things in my life. If I’m having a bad day, though, all of a sudden all I can see are the bad things and not the good.

            The perfect example would be comparing how I am now to when I was depressed. When I was depressed, I was blinded. I couldn’t see any of the blessings I had. My family, friends, school, job, etc. seemed like nothing to me, perhaps even more of a burden.

            Now, all I can see are my supportive family and friends, my great education at my school, my job that will look great on my resume for when I’m older, etc. I am so thankful for all of these blessings that I know so many people unfortunately don’t have.

            What changed, then?

            It wasn’t the blessings that were different. I still have every single blessing now that I had when I was depressed. It was me. My depression wouldn’t let me see what I still had. All of the blessings I had seemed like they were disguised as trials, but they weren’t really. I was the one, subconsciously, giving these blessings a disguise.

            Personally, whenever things are going well in my life, I’m extremely grateful for all of the blessings I have. When things are not going so well, I become blinded and suddenly every blessing seems like it’s gone. When things start to go well again, though, the disguise comes right off and I am grateful for all I have again.

            I honestly wish I didn’t do that.

            From now on, I think I’m going to try something. Every time my life seems to be full of nothing but problems, I’m going to take a minute and think about all of the blessings I still have in my life. If I can’t see them, maybe it’s because I’ve given them a disguise they don’t deserve.

            I’ll just ask God to help me see through the disguises to find His blessings. I know they’ll always be there if I look hard enough.

"Lord, Help Me" Poem

NOTE: Before watching the video, I suggest (please?) to read the blog post to fully understand what I was going through when I wrote this.

            I recently submitted my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” to a poetry slam (even made a video for it) and I thought it’d be a great idea to share it on here as well.

            First off, I would like to give some background. For a few years, I’ve had on/off depression. I know, it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible. I didn’t think it was either, which is why I didn’t believe I was sick. It wasn’t until last year, when I wrote this poem, when I found out what it was I actually had.

            Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

            What is that? It’s a type of depression that only occurs during a specific season, mainly winter, although there are some cases with summer. For me, it was winter.

            Seriously, during the rest of the year, I was a completely different person. I felt like myself; silly, outgoing, creative, healthy, alive even. But in the winter? I felt sour, drained, and sick, like I was slowly dying.

            I would go to bed at five and wake up at seven for school for months at a time. I only ate when people were around me. I’d lie to my mom when I got home and say I had a big lunch so I wouldn’t have to eat dinner. My grades would slip. And worst of all…

            I would hurt myself.

            Each winter, the self-abuse would escalate a little more. I knew I had to stop, but the more I tried, the more difficult it was. It got to the point where each time I tried to stop I would end up hurting myself even worse.

            Then came last winter.

            Some of my hair started to fall out. I became underweight. I almost lost two of my best friends. My own mother, who I have always been extremely close to, and I began to fight in ways we have never fought before. It was the worst depression I had ever had and I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it through.

            Until God intervened.

            God sent me an angel, in the form of one of my best friends, to help me come back to life. My friend would listen to me, help me calm down, pray for and with me, and gave me the nudge I needed to get help. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gone to my mother about what was going on. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have asked God for forgiveness or even turned to Him.

            If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

            It took time, and a lot of work, but I got myself back. I wrote this poem when I hit rock bottom and finally started to listen to God speak through my friend. I yearned for the Lord’s hand to touch my aching soul and make me feel anew. I never wanted to feel that way again.

            And thanks to the Lord, I haven’t.

            This past winter (which is actually when I started this blog) I made it through. It was difficult at first, but in the end God opened up so many doors for me that I now know I am never going back. The devil will never have ahold of me like that ever again.

            Now, without further ado, I present my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” and to anyone who can identify with it, I promise you that if God could get me out of it, He can help you too. Just don’t be afraid to say those three little words: Lord, help me.

            He always will.

Need help yourself? Here are a couple of resources where you can start to look:

American Association of Christian Counselors –http://www.aacc.net/references/treatment-centers/

To Write Love On Her Arms – http://twloha.com/find-help