I know I
write more about forgiveness than any other topic, but it’s really important
for me. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always been one to hold grudges, long
ones. My personal best, unfortunately, was twelve years. The Lord has been
helping me greatly with this and I’ve gotten better at it. I even thought for a
moment that I would never hold another grudge again.
But
something happened.
I’ve really been struggling lately to
forgive this one person. I might have mentioned her before, though probably briefly.
I won’t give all of the details, but the main gist of it is that I have a
friend and she’s been hurting me a lot recently. Each time, I’ve tried my best
to put on a brave face and forgive her. I refused to accept that nagging
feeling to go back to my old ways and hold a grudge against her. For a while, I
thought I was winning the battle.
Until today.
Today, she hurt me the worst. This
time, I’m not the only one who got hurt over her actions. Her selfishness has
finally reached a point where there are starting to be consequences. As her
selfishness grows, more people are getting hurt.
What’s
worse, she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.
I don’t
want to be angry with her, I really don’t. It’s tiring. Every ounce of anger
that boils inside of me only drains double the amount of energy out of me. The
crying has given me headaches. My heart aches with betrayal. I constantly feel
like throwing random items in my room to release some stress. I’m so upset that
I don’t know what to do.
I keep
turning to God, begging Him to force me to forgive her already so I won’t feel
so bad anymore. I think this whole time I haven’t forgiven her at all. I’ve
just been asking for God’s help and pushing the anger deeper and deeper within
me until I thought I couldn’t see it anymore. But every time she hurts me
again, it all comes rushing to the surface begging to be seen, until the
process starts all over again.
Sounds like
I’ve been holding a grudge after all.
Maybe the
reason why I haven’t forgiven her is because I don’t want to. I know that
sounds bad because God would forgive her in a heartbeat the moment she asks for
forgiveness. She hasn’t asked me, of course, and maybe that’s why I can’t. I’ve
been asking God to help me, but I haven’t been doing my part. I need to be
willing for God to help me take the next step.
But how can
I do my part if I just know she’s going to hurt me again?
Perhaps I
should just accept that this is just the way she is. She might not be able to
help her actions, for all I know. I guess I shouldn’t expect her to change herself;
I know how difficult that can be. Well, this might just mean I have to keep her
at an arms length and that we can’t be friends anymore.
After all
we’ve gone through together that just might be what hurts the most.
Oh Lord,
forgive her, because I sure don’t know if I can…
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