Unwilling to Forgive

            I know I write more about forgiveness than any other topic, but it’s really important for me. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always been one to hold grudges, long ones. My personal best, unfortunately, was twelve years. The Lord has been helping me greatly with this and I’ve gotten better at it. I even thought for a moment that I would never hold another grudge again.

            But something happened.

I’ve really been struggling lately to forgive this one person. I might have mentioned her before, though probably briefly. I won’t give all of the details, but the main gist of it is that I have a friend and she’s been hurting me a lot recently. Each time, I’ve tried my best to put on a brave face and forgive her. I refused to accept that nagging feeling to go back to my old ways and hold a grudge against her. For a while, I thought I was winning the battle.

Until today.

Today, she hurt me the worst. This time, I’m not the only one who got hurt over her actions. Her selfishness has finally reached a point where there are starting to be consequences. As her selfishness grows, more people are getting hurt.

            What’s worse, she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

            I don’t want to be angry with her, I really don’t. It’s tiring. Every ounce of anger that boils inside of me only drains double the amount of energy out of me. The crying has given me headaches. My heart aches with betrayal. I constantly feel like throwing random items in my room to release some stress. I’m so upset that I don’t know what to do.

            I keep turning to God, begging Him to force me to forgive her already so I won’t feel so bad anymore. I think this whole time I haven’t forgiven her at all. I’ve just been asking for God’s help and pushing the anger deeper and deeper within me until I thought I couldn’t see it anymore. But every time she hurts me again, it all comes rushing to the surface begging to be seen, until the process starts all over again.

            Sounds like I’ve been holding a grudge after all.

            Maybe the reason why I haven’t forgiven her is because I don’t want to. I know that sounds bad because God would forgive her in a heartbeat the moment she asks for forgiveness. She hasn’t asked me, of course, and maybe that’s why I can’t. I’ve been asking God to help me, but I haven’t been doing my part. I need to be willing for God to help me take the next step.

            But how can I do my part if I just know she’s going to hurt me again?

            Perhaps I should just accept that this is just the way she is. She might not be able to help her actions, for all I know. I guess I shouldn’t expect her to change herself; I know how difficult that can be. Well, this might just mean I have to keep her at an arms length and that we can’t be friends anymore.

            After all we’ve gone through together that just might be what hurts the most.

            Oh Lord, forgive her, because I sure don’t know if I can…

"Lord, Help Me" Poem

NOTE: Before watching the video, I suggest (please?) to read the blog post to fully understand what I was going through when I wrote this.

            I recently submitted my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” to a poetry slam (even made a video for it) and I thought it’d be a great idea to share it on here as well.

            First off, I would like to give some background. For a few years, I’ve had on/off depression. I know, it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible. I didn’t think it was either, which is why I didn’t believe I was sick. It wasn’t until last year, when I wrote this poem, when I found out what it was I actually had.

            Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

            What is that? It’s a type of depression that only occurs during a specific season, mainly winter, although there are some cases with summer. For me, it was winter.

            Seriously, during the rest of the year, I was a completely different person. I felt like myself; silly, outgoing, creative, healthy, alive even. But in the winter? I felt sour, drained, and sick, like I was slowly dying.

            I would go to bed at five and wake up at seven for school for months at a time. I only ate when people were around me. I’d lie to my mom when I got home and say I had a big lunch so I wouldn’t have to eat dinner. My grades would slip. And worst of all…

            I would hurt myself.

            Each winter, the self-abuse would escalate a little more. I knew I had to stop, but the more I tried, the more difficult it was. It got to the point where each time I tried to stop I would end up hurting myself even worse.

            Then came last winter.

            Some of my hair started to fall out. I became underweight. I almost lost two of my best friends. My own mother, who I have always been extremely close to, and I began to fight in ways we have never fought before. It was the worst depression I had ever had and I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it through.

            Until God intervened.

            God sent me an angel, in the form of one of my best friends, to help me come back to life. My friend would listen to me, help me calm down, pray for and with me, and gave me the nudge I needed to get help. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gone to my mother about what was going on. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have asked God for forgiveness or even turned to Him.

            If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

            It took time, and a lot of work, but I got myself back. I wrote this poem when I hit rock bottom and finally started to listen to God speak through my friend. I yearned for the Lord’s hand to touch my aching soul and make me feel anew. I never wanted to feel that way again.

            And thanks to the Lord, I haven’t.

            This past winter (which is actually when I started this blog) I made it through. It was difficult at first, but in the end God opened up so many doors for me that I now know I am never going back. The devil will never have ahold of me like that ever again.

            Now, without further ado, I present my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” and to anyone who can identify with it, I promise you that if God could get me out of it, He can help you too. Just don’t be afraid to say those three little words: Lord, help me.

            He always will.

Need help yourself? Here are a couple of resources where you can start to look:

American Association of Christian Counselors –http://www.aacc.net/references/treatment-centers/

To Write Love On Her Arms – http://twloha.com/find-help