"Lord, Help Me" Poem

NOTE: Before watching the video, I suggest (please?) to read the blog post to fully understand what I was going through when I wrote this.

            I recently submitted my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” to a poetry slam (even made a video for it) and I thought it’d be a great idea to share it on here as well.

            First off, I would like to give some background. For a few years, I’ve had on/off depression. I know, it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible. I didn’t think it was either, which is why I didn’t believe I was sick. It wasn’t until last year, when I wrote this poem, when I found out what it was I actually had.

            Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

            What is that? It’s a type of depression that only occurs during a specific season, mainly winter, although there are some cases with summer. For me, it was winter.

            Seriously, during the rest of the year, I was a completely different person. I felt like myself; silly, outgoing, creative, healthy, alive even. But in the winter? I felt sour, drained, and sick, like I was slowly dying.

            I would go to bed at five and wake up at seven for school for months at a time. I only ate when people were around me. I’d lie to my mom when I got home and say I had a big lunch so I wouldn’t have to eat dinner. My grades would slip. And worst of all…

            I would hurt myself.

            Each winter, the self-abuse would escalate a little more. I knew I had to stop, but the more I tried, the more difficult it was. It got to the point where each time I tried to stop I would end up hurting myself even worse.

            Then came last winter.

            Some of my hair started to fall out. I became underweight. I almost lost two of my best friends. My own mother, who I have always been extremely close to, and I began to fight in ways we have never fought before. It was the worst depression I had ever had and I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it through.

            Until God intervened.

            God sent me an angel, in the form of one of my best friends, to help me come back to life. My friend would listen to me, help me calm down, pray for and with me, and gave me the nudge I needed to get help. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gone to my mother about what was going on. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have asked God for forgiveness or even turned to Him.

            If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

            It took time, and a lot of work, but I got myself back. I wrote this poem when I hit rock bottom and finally started to listen to God speak through my friend. I yearned for the Lord’s hand to touch my aching soul and make me feel anew. I never wanted to feel that way again.

            And thanks to the Lord, I haven’t.

            This past winter (which is actually when I started this blog) I made it through. It was difficult at first, but in the end God opened up so many doors for me that I now know I am never going back. The devil will never have ahold of me like that ever again.

            Now, without further ado, I present my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” and to anyone who can identify with it, I promise you that if God could get me out of it, He can help you too. Just don’t be afraid to say those three little words: Lord, help me.

            He always will.

Need help yourself? Here are a couple of resources where you can start to look:

American Association of Christian Counselors –http://www.aacc.net/references/treatment-centers/

To Write Love On Her Arms – http://twloha.com/find-help

A Mother’s Day Post: My MBF (Mom Best Friend)

            With divorced parents, it’s always just been my mom and me, so I can easily say I’m very close to my mom. She’s always been there for me when I needed her, even when I thought I didn’t need her. I can go to her with any problem and I know she won’t judge me. I can simply laugh with her, go to her, be with her, trust her, etc. at all times for one specific reason.

My mom is my best friend.

Nope, I’m not ashamed of saying it. In fact, I’m proud of it. The truth is I think too many teens my age aren’t as close to their moms as they should be. I’m not saying we all have to be joined at the hip, but I wish more teens could at least appreciate everything their mothers do for them like I do.

My mom gave her all for me and I’ve always been grateful. She worked as many jobs as she had to, put me in the best schools she could, tried to make wherever we lived the best home it could be, all for me. Ever since I was born, her focus has always been me, her daughter, her child.

Hmm, all about the children, sounds a little bit like God, no?

My mom always tells me I’ll understand God’s love the most when I become a mom myself someday. Well, I don’t have any kids yet (and don’t plan on it for a long time!) but I think I can understand what she means. Moms give everything for their children, even their own lives if they have to, just like Jesus did. Moms love their children no matter what, just as unconditionally as God. I think that’s the whole point as to why God gives us moms in the first place, to feel His love through them.

Now I know not everyone has the best mom; some don’t even have moms at all. My mom herself isn’t perfect, but I’m thankful I at least have her and because of that, I’d like to end this post with a little shout out to her.

Dear Mami,

Thank you so much for everything you’ve ever done for me. You’re absolutely beautiful and I don’t know what I would do without you.

 Everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will be, I will always owe to you. I am just so grateful God sent you to me. I wouldn’t change you for anyone or anything.

You’re my angel and my best friend. Never forget that.

I love you with all of my hearts,

Your daughter

Happy Mother’s Day!

Is It Time to Pray Yet?

            Here’s a new one that I’ve been dealing with lately. How do I know whether it’s time to pray or not? Sure, if something absolutely wonderful happens, I always say a thankful prayer. Then, if something absolutely horrible happens, I always ask God for help.

            What about the rest of the time, though?

            There seem to be two times to say a prayer: when something good happens and when something bad happens. For example, when I studied extremely hard for a test last week and got an A, I thanked God for helping me get through it all. On the other hand, when I was angry at a friend of mine who really hurt me a couple of weeks ago, I asked God to help me get over my anger and forgive her. Those were two instances where I felt that I needed to pray and knew just what to pray for.

            But what about the time in between?

            I’ve noticed that there are times when nothing wonderful or horrible has really happened and I’m just there, in between. Nothing necessarily great is going on, but nothing bad is either. I’m not extremely thankful about anything or upset. I’m just okay.

            What do I pray about then?

            Unfortunately, I’ve been falling into the habit of spending less time praying when I’m in that “in between” mode. I subconsciously seem to think that since there’s nothing really interesting going on in my life at the moment to pray about, then it’s not time to pray.

            I’ve come to disagree with myself.

            There’s always something to pray about. Praying is just talking to God and if I have time to talk to my friends and family when there’s nothing really interesting going on in my life, then I should have time to just talk to God too. Besides, as one of my best friends always likes to point out to me, there’s always something to be thankful for. Just the fact that I woke up this morning is worth saying a quick thankful prayer. I can at least pray about that.

God always knows what’s going on in my life and if there’s nothing really interesting, He knows that too. Maybe during those times I’m not going to have as long a prayer as I would if something amazing or horrible just happened, but that’s okay. God understands because He knows everything, including my heart and my life. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the right time to pray, though. It just means that my prayers are going to be a little different. Why? Because praying isn’t only for good or bad times, it’s for all times.

And so, next time my life seems to be pretty dull and I don’t know whether or not I should even bother praying, I’m going to remember this:

It’s always time to pray.