NOTE: Before watching the video, I suggest (please?) to read
the blog post to fully understand what I was going through when I wrote this.
I recently
submitted my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” to a poetry slam (even made a video for it)
and I thought it’d be a great idea to share it on here as well.
First off,
I would like to give some background. For a few years, I’ve had on/off
depression. I know, it doesn’t really sound like that’s possible. I didn’t
think it was either, which is why I didn’t believe I was sick. It wasn’t until
last year, when I wrote this poem, when I found out what it was I actually had.
Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD).
What is
that? It’s a type of depression that only occurs during a specific season,
mainly winter, although there are some cases with summer. For me, it was
winter.
Seriously,
during the rest of the year, I was a completely different person. I felt like
myself; silly, outgoing, creative, healthy, alive even. But in the winter? I
felt sour, drained, and sick, like I was slowly dying.
I would go
to bed at five and wake up at seven for school for months at a time. I only ate
when people were around me. I’d lie to my mom when I got home and say I had a
big lunch so I wouldn’t have to eat dinner. My grades would slip. And worst of
all…
I would
hurt myself.
Each
winter, the self-abuse would escalate a little more. I knew I had to stop, but
the more I tried, the more difficult it was. It got to the point where each
time I tried to stop I would end up hurting myself even worse.
Then came
last winter.
Some of my
hair started to fall out. I became underweight. I almost lost two of my best
friends. My own mother, who I have always been extremely close to, and I began
to fight in ways we have never fought before. It was the worst depression I had
ever had and I honestly thought I wasn’t going to make it through.
Until God
intervened.
God sent me
an angel, in the form of one of my best friends, to help me come back to life. My
friend would listen to me, help me calm down, pray for and with me, and gave me
the nudge I needed to get help. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have gone
to my mother about what was going on. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t
have gotten the help I needed. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have asked
God for forgiveness or even turned to Him.
If it
hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t be writing this right now.
It took
time, and a lot of work, but I got myself back. I wrote this poem when I hit
rock bottom and finally started to listen to God speak through my friend. I
yearned for the Lord’s hand to touch my aching soul and make me feel anew. I
never wanted to feel that way again.
And thanks
to the Lord, I haven’t.
This past
winter (which is actually when I started this blog) I made it through. It was
difficult at first, but in the end God opened up so many doors for me that I now
know I am never going back. The devil will never have ahold of me like that
ever again.
Now,
without further ado, I present my poem, “Lord, Help Me,” and to anyone who can identify
with it, I promise you that if God could get me out of it, He can help you too.
Just don’t be afraid to say those three little words: Lord, help me.
He always
will.
Need help yourself? Here are a couple of resources where you
can start to look:
American Association of Christian Counselors –http://www.aacc.net/references/treatment-centers/
To Write Love On Her Arms – http://twloha.com/find-help
